244 Pirate Jokes

1. What do you call a pirate who rules Russia? A Czar.
2. What does a pirate use when he runs out of Crisco? Lard.
3. What was the pirate's astrological sign? Sagittarius, the archer.
4. What do you call a pirate who works in agriculture? A Farmer.
5. What do you call a pirate who works in horticulture? A gardener.
6. Why did the pirate quit and go home? His job was too hard.
7. Where did the pirate play in the summer? His yard.
8. Why did the pirate stop doing the unnecessary work? It was arbitrary.
9. What was the pirate's favorite family of bug? Arachnids.
10. What did the pirate use to knit? Yarn.
11. What's the pirate's favorite body part? His arm.
12. Why did the pirate go to the museum? For the art.
13. What was the pirate's job on the police force? He was a narc.
14. Why did the pirate call for supplies? What he had was sparse.
15. Why was the pirate fired from his singing career? He was a bad warbler.
16. What was the pirate's favorite planet? Mars.
17. Where did the pirate go to drink? In a bar.
18. Why didn't the pirate drive to the store? It was too far.
19. What was the pirate's favorite dessert? Tarts.
20. What did the pirate do when there was a storm? Put his ship in the harbor.
21. What's the pirate's favorite holiday? Arbor Day.
22. What did the pirate do when his socks wore out? He darned them.
23. What did the pirate put on his wooden furniture? Varnish.
24. How did the pirate keep his dog from running away? He used a harness.
25. Where did the pirate keep his animals? In a barn.
26. Why did the pirate set the caterpillar free? He didn't want it to be harmed.
27. What did the pirate have on his pizza? Sardines.
28. Why did the pirate become a comedy writer? He was vrey sardonic.
29. Where did the pirate like to land his ship? In the wharf.
30. What do you call a pirate who likes himself a lot? A Narcissist.
31. Why did the pirate stay home? He had car troubles.
32. Why did the pirate have to fix his deck? The wood had warped.
33. What was the pirate's favorite instrument? The harp.
34. Did you hear about the pirate who tried to hurt his friend? He was hoisted with his own petard.
35. Did you hear about the pirate who was voted the best? He won an award.
36. Did you hear about the pirate who was run out of town? They tarred and feathered him.
37. What do you call a pirate's troops? His army.
38. Why couldn't the pirate complete his journey? It was too arduous.
39. What's the pirate's favorite animal? The aardvark.
40. Did you hear about the pirate who could never be serious? He always larked around.
41. What did the pirate clown like to dress as? A Harlequin.
42. Who did the pirate meet in Amsterdam? Many harlots.
43. Why couldn't the pirate get his letter? He didn't play for varsity.
44. What did the pirate do when he got to Ireland. He kissed the Blarney Stone.
45. What was the pirate's favorite type of play? Farce.
46. What did the pirate lay down while he was painting? A tarp.
47. What did the pirate have on his clams? Tartar sauce.
48. How did the pirate get people's attention? He cried, "Hark."
49. Why did the pirate get up late? He broke his alarm.
50. What did the pirate cite as the reason for his foe's death? Darwin.
51. Why did the pirate play golf? He liked to make par.
52. Did you hear about the pirate who had heart trouble? He needed an endarterectomy.
53. Where did the pirate get his milk? From a carton.
54. What did the pirate lke to play? Cards.
55. Did you hear about the pirate who saved all the animals? He built an ark.
56. Did you hear about the pirate who was in to geometry? He like to calculate arcs.
57. How did the pirate descibe the guitar solo? He said it was gnarly.
58. Why did the pirate have bad luck? He had bad kharma.
59. Did you hear about the pirate who liked curved buildings? He built an arch.
60. Why did the pirate change his phone number? He was being harassed.
61. What did the pirate do for his birthday? He had a party.
62. What did the pirate put on his toast? Marmalade.
63. Why did the pirate clean the bottom of his ship? It was covered in barnacles.
64. Why did the pirate stop making beer? He ran out of barley.
65. What was the pirate's favorite comedian? Chris Farley.
66. What was the pirate's favorite cake flavor? Marble.
67. Why did the pirate listen to barbershop quartets? He liked the harmonies.
68. What did the pirate use to keep his feet from getting cold? Argyle socks.
69. Which is the pirate's favorite historical site? Arlington cemetery.
70. Who is the pirate's favorite athlete? Arnold Palmer.
71. How did the pirate like his coffee? With artificial sweetner.
72. Where did the pirate go to college? Vassar College.
73. Where did the pirate get his masters degree? Harvard University.
74. Why was the pirate careful when he broke a glass? He didn't want to step on a shard.
75. Why did the pirate quarantine his family? He was afraid of SARS.
76. Why did the pirate cover his hardwood floors? He wanted to lay down a carpet.
77. Why wouldn't the pirate swim? He was afraid of sharks.
78. Why didn't the pirate like dogs? He hated to hear them bark.
79. What was the pirate's favorite country to vacation in? Zanzibar.
80. Why was the pirtae chosen to speak in a public forum? He was very articulate.
81. What did the pirate do who was interested in history? He studied archeology.
82. Where did the pirate go for roast beef? Arby's.
83. What did the pirate do when he got an exclusive interview? He wrote an article.
84. Why did the pirate microwave his leftovers? He wanted them to be warm.
85. What did the pirate eat for breakfast? Pop Tarts.
86. What was the pirate's favorite humanist? Petrarch.
87. Why did the pirate get hit in the face? They caught him off guard.
88. What was the pirate's favorite country? Argentina.
89. Why did the pirate enjoy poetry? He was a bard at heart.
90. What was the pirate's favorite pet? His pard.
91. Why did the pirate enjoy Aladdin? He liked the Arabian Nights.
92. What was the pirate's favorite state? Arkansas.
93. What's the pirate's favorite type of rock? Argite.
94. What's the pirate's favorite vegetable? The artichoke.
95. How did the pirate steer his ship? He used the stars.
96. How did the pirate like his burgers cooked? Char-broiled.
97. What did the pirate like to hunt? Varmints.
98. Why did the pirate become a communist? He studied Marx.
99. Which was the pirate's favorite Marx brother? Harpo.
100. What did the pirate wear when he went into battle? Armor.
101. Why was the pirate thrown in jail? He committed arson.
102. Where did the pirate like to eat in New York? Sardi's.
103. What happened when the pirate accidentally cut himself? He got a scar.
104. Why was the pirate afraid of certain chemicals? He thought they were carcinogens.
105. What was the pirate's favorite form of juvenile humor? The fart joke.
106. Which was the pirate's favorite fish? The carp.
107. What's the pirate's favorite celebrity drummer? Ringo Starr.
108. Why did the pirate shy away from the four horsemen? He thought it was armageddon.
109. Who was the pirate's favorite historical Columbian drug lord? Pablo Escobar.
110. What did the pirate play in his spare time? The harpsichord.
111. What's the pirate's favorite board game? Parcheesi.
112. Why did the pirate don when he was chilly? His parka.
113. What communiations company did the pirate hire to set up his telecommunications system? Marconi, Inc.
114. Why did the pirate watch Me, Myself, and Irene? He was a huge Farrelly brothers fan.
115. Where did the pirate put his capital? Pharmaceuticals.
116. Why did the poet read The Far Side? He was a huge Gary Larson fan.
117. What happened to the pirate's fast-paced music? It eventually ritarded.
118. Which Star Trek captain did the pirate insist was the better one? Jean-Luc Picard.
119. What band did the pirate listening to in the 1980s? The Alan Parsons Project.
120. Why did the pirate refuse to buy the furniture? It was slighly marred.
121. What brand of guitar did the pirate prefer toplay his blues on? The Martin.
122. What did the pirate do when he found a quote he liked? He marked it down.
123. Why couldn't the pirate sleep alone? He was afraid of the dark.
124. Why did the pirate fall asleep during the day? He had narcolepsy.
125. What's the pirate's favorite duck? The mallard.
126. Who was the pirate's favorite country star? Dolly Parton.
127. What did the pirate carry when a rifle was too big? A carbine.
128. Where did the pirate look up his favorite quote? Bartlett's Familiar Quotations.
129. What large scale foodservice company did the pirate hire to run concessions at his baseball field? Aramark.
130. What's the pirate's preferred brand of toilet paper? Charmin.
131. Which was the pirate's favorite character from Shrek? Lord Farquaad.
132. Who is the pirate's favorite Simpson? Bart.
133. How does the pirate like his value meals? Extra large.
134. What did the pirate bring when he didn't bring it all? Only part.
135. Why did the pirate retool his resume? To jumpstart his career.
136. Where did the pirate get his hair cut? The barber.
137. How did the pirate talk his way into the club? He used his charm.
138. What was the pirate given when he found the puppy? A reward.
139. How was the pirate repaid for saving the town? He was given a largess.
140. What was the pirate's favorite eggplant recipe? Eggplant parmigiana.
141. How did the pirate pay for his groceries? He charged them.
142. Why was the pirate not allowed in the club? He did not have the correct garb.
143. What did the pirate say as he drew his sword? "En garde!"
144. When was the pirate's door not a door? When it was ajar.
145. Where did the pirate keep his jam? In a jar.
146. What is the pirate's favorite herb? Yarrow.
147. Why did the pirate turn down popcorn? He preferred caramel corn.
148. Who is the pirate's favorite Frenh king of German descent? Charlemagne.
149. What is the pirate's favorite life cycle stage of trout? The parr stage.
150. Which was the pirate's favorite TV family as a child? The Partridge Family.
151. What did the pirate reduce his Einsteinium to in the lab? Particles.
152. What religious doctrine did the Buddhist pirate follow? Dharma.
153. Who's the pirate's favorite choreographer? Twyla Tharp.
154. Who did the pirate box with? His sparring mate.
155. Why did the pirate pass on the kosher meat? He was trying to stick to parve.
156. Why did the pirate join a major law firm? He wanted to make partner.
157. What did the pirate substitute for carrots? Parsnips.
158. What did the pirate put next to his entree? A garnish.
159. What did the pirate use as a garnish? Parsley.
160. How did the pirate seperate portions of the command line? He parsed them
161. Why did the pirate juggle for his crew? He wanted to garner their respect.
162. What was wrong with thepirate's engine? There was a broken spark plug.
163. Why did the pirate polish his silver? It was tarnished.
164. What did the pirate choose when asked to pick his poison? Arsenic.
165. Which is the pirate's favorite noble gas? Argon.
166. Why couldn't the pirate get into the new pirate movie? It was rated R.
167. What did the pirate build his ship out of? Larchwood.
168. What is the pirate's favorite fountain and automobile technology manufacturing website? Plart.net
169. What did the pirate hope to win for his painting? The Archibald Prize.
170. What is the pirate's favorite flash comand for UNIX? Flar.
171. Why was the pirate the best at what he did? He always worked with ardor.
172. Why did the pirate never lose a battle? He had the best armaments.
173. Where did the pirate buy his groceries? The supermarket.
174. How did the pirate ace his IQ test? He was very smart.
175. Which is the pirate's favorite baseball field? Fenway park.
176. Why did the pirate get kicked out of the funeral? For saying the deceased "carked it."
177. Which was the pirate's favorite bird? The mudlark.
178. How do pirates organize their hard drive? With partitions.
179. Why did the pirate eat peanuts? He heard they were good for his heart.
180. Where did the pirate buy his socks? Walmart.
181. Which is the pirate's favorite subatomic particle? The quark.
182. Where did the pirate sail to get his ice? The polar cap.
183. What is the pirate's favorite mystery-solving duo? The Hardy Boys.
184. Why does the pirate enjoy stew over soup? It's more hearty.
185. What is the pirate's favorite bird-type pokemon? Articuno.
186. What is the pirate's favorite baby fire-type pokemon? Charmander.
187. What is the pirate's favorite adolescent fire-type pokemon? Charmeleon.
188. What is the pirate's favorite adult fire-type pokemon? Charizard.
189. Where did the pirate regret swimming? In the marsh.
190. What did the pirate's favorite band smoke? Marijuana.
191. What did the pirate's favorite band support? Love, not war.
192. Which was the pirate's favorite Brady? Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.
193. What is the pirate's favorite John Philip Sousa tune? The Washington Post March.
194. What's the pirate's favorite candy? The Clark Bar.
195. Who is the pirate's favorite diva? Barbra Streisand.
196. Where was the pirate trained in music? Juilliard.
197. Why did the pirate like to whittle? He enjoyed carving wood.
198. Where does the pirate buy his ice cream cake? Carvel.
199. Who is the pirate's favorite peanut enthusiast? George Washington Carver.
200. What happened to the pirate when he turned 13? His bar mitzvah.
201. What's the pirate's favorite frozen drink? A margarita.
202. What's the pirate's favorite way to eat olives? Via martini.
203. What's the pirate's favorite North Dakota vacation spot? Fargo.
204. What does the pirate take when he's too tense? Barbiturates.
205. Why does the pirate like the Blue Light Special? He enjoys a good bargain.
206. What's the pirate's favorite lettuce? Arugala.
207. What does the pirate do when his throat is hurting? He gargles.
208. What perches high atop the pirate's building? Gargoyles.
209. Why did the pirate buy the new TV? It was gargantuan.
210. With what does the pirate season his sauce? Garlic.
211. Why did the pirate love the Wizard of Oz? He was a huge Judy Garland fan.
212. In what did the pirate keep his DNA samples? Agar.
213. Who's the pirate's favorite dinosaur? Barney.
214. Why did the pirate go to the circus? To see the carnies.
215. Why does the pirate avoid getting ill? He hates barfing.
216. Who's the pirate's favorite TV mother? Marge Simpson.
217. What does the pirate put on his bread? Margerine.
218. What happens when the pirate calls AAA? He's towed by a barge.
219. What's the pirate's favorite Bogart picture? Key Largo..
220. What's the pirate's favorite black bird? The starling.
221. What did the pirate do when he had no food? He starved.
222. What do you call pirate painters? Artists.
223. What do you call pirate potters? Artisans.
224. What do you call a one-party pirate? A partisan.
225. What do you call a friendly, two-party pirate? A bipartisan.
226. What's the pirate's favorite cheese? Parmesean.
227. Why did the pirate refuse carrots? He was a carnivore.
228. Why was the pirate not allowed in paradise? Because of his carnal knowledge.
229. Why did the pirate eat all the bread? He was carb-loading.
230. Who's the pirate's favorite barmaid? Carla.
231. What did the pirate exhale? Carbon dioxide.
232. Who's the pirate's favorite black-and-white TV character? Ricky Ricardo.
233. Who's the pirate's favorite What's My Line star? Kitty Carlisle.
234. Who's the pirate's composer? Marvin Hamlisch.
235. Who's the pirate's favorite silent comedian? Charlie Chaplin.
236. Where did the pirate get his home, crafts, and embezzlement tips? Martha Stewart.
237. Why did the pirate watch Jon Edwards? He was a harbinger of things to come.
238. What did the pirate do when he was out of money? He bartered.
239. What did the pirate put on his fish and chips? Tartar sauce.
240. Where did the pirate keep his food? In his larder.
241. What was the pirate's favorite meat dish? Tartare.
242. Who did the pirate order his drinks from? The bartender.
243. Why did the pirate abandon his construction project? He ran out of hardware.
244. Why couldn't the pirate remove the appliance on his own? It was hardwired.